march 2, 2025
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"and you can hold me like he held her / and i will fuck you / like nothing matters" --- nothing matters, the last dinner party
"how do i become someone that i can believe in?" --- honeysuckle, pom pom squad
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looking at the last entry is so funny bc i am still clingy and overly attached but to a different person now lmao. i don't know what to do or how to be healthy all i know is clinging. i have a therapist again now but i don't know if it's helping. i feel like therapy can't tell me anything new. i know what's wrong and what i should do i just don't feel the things i'm supposed to feel. i don't eat enough and i feel the hunger in my body but nothing will taste as good as i want it to so what's the point? i don't know how to make myself feel things right. so much reminds me of the past and the people that aren't in my life anymore. i'm trying to escape and do something new but it's all the same. maybe i will ask to play the game with him.
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listening: and i will fuck you like nothing matters (my playlist)
september 27, 2024
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i drew a couple tarot cards from wrender's card puller widget and got the four of pentacles and the reversed page of pentacles and i'm feeling so called out lmao. i know i'm being overly attached and clingy i know i'm isolated i know i'm procrastinating i know it's all my fault !! telling me what i already know does not help </3 what do i dooooo about it ("just stop procrastinating" is not helpful advice)
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listening:
swancore mix (spotify generated playlist)
september 26, 2024
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i finally made a gemlog yesterday! (gemini://gemlog.blue/users/bumblingbats // https portal) i don't know if there's any point in it, i have so many blog-like places lol. but i wanted to exist in geminispace, and now i do. i also made a capsule (bumblingbats.cities.yesterweb.org/) but i don't know how to edit it lmao. maybe i'll figure it out at some point. but i should probably be spending my time on more productive things. i don't know why thinking about doing anything to do with my future makes me so anxious. like, i know i need to job search. i know. but i feel like i physically cannot. like it just doesn't feel possible. my parents keep trying to get me to do something, anything. my mom wants me to move back in with her. but the idea of going back "home" also causes me a lot of anxiety. my parents don't live together anymore, and i'm not sure how capable they are of interacting. the idea of dealing with that whole situation stresses me out, so i try not to think about it. but i can't just stay here and do nothing forever.
september 24, 2024
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"i wanted to see the world in color / through your eyes and through your mind" --- take a bite, beabadoobee
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i want to be happy, i want to have friends, i want to enjoy things, i want to want to do things, i want to be a real person who exists in the world, i want to be loved and cared about. it doesn't seem like so much to ask so why can't i have that? why is it all so hard? i don't know if it's that my brain is broken or that i'm just not trying hard enough (maybe those are the same thing) but it seems like everyone else has a much easier time than me. i'm probably biased, obviously other people struggle, i know this. it just feels like there's something especially wrong with me :-(( i think i'm going to try to do things soon, i know i like making art and looking at bugs so i should do those things, it's just hard to get the motivation. i wish i had people to help but at this point there's basically no one. i know i should try to get a therapist but it just feels like so much work.
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listening: if we wanted exactly the same thing (my playlist)
september 3, 2024
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i might try writing a blog somewhere else like on tumblr or spacehey or something like that? but i feel like i have nothing to say anyway
august ?, 2024
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"so don't try and say that you loved me, we know that's a lie / you're reason number 23 out of all the reasons why / you don't call to say that you miss me / hell, you don't even call / i guess i shouldn't expect anything at all" --- numbers, we are the dirt
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i don't know really what i should put in a blog. idk, maybe this is a bad idea?